Not so far away, and not too long ago, there lived the mighty Emperor Hew
Hess Hay. The Emperor was known far and wide to be a bit of a glutton, as
well as a connoisseur of the finest foods. Whereas it might be commonly
said of a ruler, "he is presently in his council chamber", for this
emperor it was more likely reported "he is presently at repast".
Of all the delicacies indulged in by the Emperor, his favorite was seafood,
and he had a particular penchant for sashimi. But the royal treasury was
beginning to strain over his the steady stream of tuna imports from the
Tsukigi market. So imagine his delight when, one day, two unscrupulous
fishmongers arrived at court from the Western Isle. "Your Majesty," said
one of the fishmongers, "we have discovered a most magical process that
can turn $1.50 brown tuna into the most exquisitely delectable and highest
quality sashimi."
"How can this be?!!," exclaimed the Emperor, and his courtiers all gathered
round as the merchants opened a small cooler. They revealed a beautiful
cherry red meat, so sweet appearing that a tingle rose up the emperor's
spine. "Sire, it is a magical tasteless smoking process conjured by our
associates in the Far East," they answered.
"Ah, then you must at once begin to produce this tuna for me!" ordered the
Emperor, and with a flourish and a bow, the wiley fishmongers made their
exit to set up shop nearby.
But a wise counselor of the emperor cautioned him to have the process
thoroughly investigated before ever a slice of "tasteless smoked" tuna
touched his lips.
"It is correct to be so careful of my health," said the emperor, and
therewith he sent forth his chief taster, Count Yus Deecee, to have a look.
"You are most welcome to examine our process, O Count," said the crafty
merchants after they had wined and dined him that evening. "Observe, how
we remove the flavor elements of the smoke whilst the magical essence
permeates the filter to transform the tuna quality!" "Well goll-ee gee
whiz," thought the Count, "sure looks like shore-nuff magic to me."
The emperor was of course delighted at the Count's good report, since it
certainly was what he wanted badly to hear. But the wise counselor
remained unconvinced, for this new process seemed just too good to be true.
"Sire, I suggest that a woman is even more discerning than a man when it
comes to quality. May I humbly request a second opinion from the fair Lady
Effie D'Yay?"
"Well," grumbled the hungry monarch, "if you must have it so." So the
fair Lady was promptly dispatched to the fishmonger's shop to observe.
"O Most High and Lifted Up Lady," purred the merchants upon her arrival,
"we are most honored to have you see our magic first hand." But first
please allow us to indulge you with an evening of entertainment and
frivolity."
And of course this suited the Lady just fine, so that she was duly
indulged. Afterwards, the merchants again demonstrated their magical
filters to the now jaded Lady who, like the Count before her, also oohed
and aahed. After all, she was quite anxious that the Emperor be likewise
indulged in his desires for cheap but high quality tuna.
So the 'magical' process was accepted without further question, and the
tuna thus processed became so popular at court that the palace began to
resemble a Tokyo sushi bar.
Word of the new process swept the towns and villages. Excitement grew to
such a pitch that all the commoners pressed their lords for a chance to see
this marvelous new "tasteless smoking" process in action. The Emperor,
being ever so proud of his discovery, proclaimed a "Day of the Magic
Smoke" for the following week.
When the great day arrived, with much pageantry and heralding a parade made
its way through the streets to the Palace Grounds, which had been opened to
allow the throngs access to view a demonstration of the wonderful process
in action. As the Emperor and his train entered the viewing stand, the sly
fishmongers bowed low. They explained to the wondering crowd how the
magical essence permeated the filter to transform the tuna quality before
their eyes.
As a hush fell over the crowd, a small young girl, by name of Aura
Foodtechie, tugged at her mother's apron strings. "Hush child," scolded
the mother, but the child would not be silenced. "It's just carbon
monoxide, momma!" she wailed.
Those in the crowd nearby turned their heads, startled. "It IS just carbon
monoxide!" blurted a peasant, and the words quickly spread through the
whole collection in the courtyard. "It's carbon monoxide, it's carbon
monoxide, and it will obscure quality changes in the tuna!" they murmured.
As the murmur grew to a roar, the unscrupulous fishmongers quickly bowed to
the Emperor and made a hasty retreat. But the Emperor and his advisors had
to face the crowd with (presumably, permanently colored) cherry red faces.
Tyre C. Lanier, Professor
Food Science Department
North Carolina State University
Raleigh NC 27695-7624
Fax 919-515-7124
Ph. 919-513-2094
Web http://www.cals.ncsu.edu/food_science/faculty/lanier/tlanier.html
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