This just in...
ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus
by David Bibb
CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it
was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil
rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that,
"Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been
putting that information in a vast database. The information is then
used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus's organization to
determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is
obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have
alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has
been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which
reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of workers in
the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, "...clearly
shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free
expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the
security of the information. What would be the result of such a
database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around
the world?"
Lawyers at the Justice Department. also confirmed today that they
were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of
a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the
Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of parent,
ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect
several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter
sentence." In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel
investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of
smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr.
Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items
he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the
States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local
taxes on all of the goods he delivers."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr.
Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are
from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no
way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil
rights of children."
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country which the United States
currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is
at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole
estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by
the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice
Department will discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
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