All right, I've decided to put an end once and for all to the
flaming/sniping/carping over the Harriet Miers nomination. I am
officially notifying the Bush administration that Ms. Mier may withdraw
her name: I am available to fill the position.
This will be a sacrifice for me, giving up my vibrant acting career here
in Hollywood ("Son of the Beach" may now be seen in re-runs in Chile and
Finland), moving to the pestilential swamp we converted into our
nation's capital, wearing black at work every day (not my color, but the
robes do allow you to wear Hawaiian shirts and Bernuda shorts under
them, the way Oliver Wendell Holmes used to). My colleagues here at
Hill, Farrell and Burrill have been completely supportive of my taking
the position, despite the burden it will place on them, recognizing the
Higher Purpose to be served. ("Go," they said to me. "For the love of
God, go.")
My credentials are impeccable and acceptable to both Right and Left.
Hardline, Born Again Christian Conservatives and Warren Beatty alike
will unite in supporting my nomination. While I have never articulated a
stance as Pro-Life, I have several times come out as Pro-Newsweek and
even Pro-Forma. I devoutly believe that Life Begins at Forty and that
abortion should only be permitted after that point if the mother's life
is endangered. My trial track record is exemplary (The charge was
Mopery in the Third Degree. I was found Not Guilty.) I have a
distinguished judicial history - four times deciding the Motion Picture
Retirement Home's Robert Downey Jr. Senior Beauty Pageant without
controversy.
I did not seek this high office. As Shakespeare said, some are born
great, some acquire greatness and some have greatness shoved up
their...well, I forget the exact quotation, but it's something like
that. I will accept the position with deep humility, for I, indeed, have
much to be humble about. I take this step, as I take all steps, with
eyes wide shut and a deep conviction that I can't possibly do any worse
than the next guy (assuming the next guy isn't John Marshall, Thurgood
Marshall, William Howard Taft, Earl Warren, Robert Jackson, William
Rehnquist, Harry Blackmun, Hugo Black, etc, etc. ...or Oliver Wendell
Holmes, with or without Bermuda shorts).
If nominated I will accept, if confirmed I will serve, if serve is
returned, I will volley until I have made my point, deuce, one-love,
game, match.
So let us cease being Miered in this morass of petty bickering. I am
ready to assume the mantle, run the gauntlet, butter the parsnips and
generally hoist myself on the petard of juridical controvery.
Now let's get back to ILLs.
Bob Ryan
Hill, Farrer & Burrill
Los ANgeles
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This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Wed Nov 14 2007 - 20:46:09 PST